shards of something else.

Thinking......


Isn't it funny how we grow up wanting something, or wanting to be a certain way, and when God actually sees fit to grant that request later in life, one realizes that it's not really that desirable afterall? This just occurred to me this week as I was thinking about being lonely. I was thinking of Belize.... the places and the people that I miss...... how I miss being with the others! And how I miss having them near to share that time with..... also comparing my experience to that of the Evergreen team. That train of thought somehow led me to reflect back to when I was growing up. I've always kind of been a lone ranger.... I didn't really have any close friends that stuck as a child, and as I got older and made deeper ties, something always happened to remove my friends or me from the others' everyday life. Going to school, I studied something no one else in my circle of friends did -- for that matter, my field of study wasn't exactly something that Chinese people commonly studied. Subjects that fired me up didn't strike the same chords with my friends, so in that respect, I'm alone too. And of course, I can't leave out the fact that I am also alone in the romantic sense. Don't get me wrong; I am not bemoaning the state of my life or anything, nor am I pitying myself because I feel I am in some way lacking. God has surrounded me with absolutely wonderful people that care for me and support me..... I am so incredibly loved! And of course, despite other people passing through, my family has been a constant.... I am definitely not overlooking that blessing! I am, however, reflecting on this seeming trend in my life.

How did it come to be? What's God's purpose for always taking me away from people that I'm comfortable with, for plunging me into life situations that are never experienced with anyone?

Something small and seemingly insignificant came to mind: growing up, I'd been regaled with stories of trail-blazers, and I've always admired them -- people who lived life out of the box; who did different, and far more wonderful and interesting, things from all their peers; people who lived on the edge of the world and in the centre of God's grace. To be honest, I think I grew up wanting that in my life. I wanted more than the status quo. I didn't know how to get on that path of course, but I think I'd always felt that it would be such a thrilling way to live. It never occurred to me how lonely the road-less-travelled actually is. (The innocence of youth, I guess.... everything seemed so romantic then. :P) All through my life I never realized (until today) that I've been on this road all along; wondering how I'd get here never should've been an issue. I can't help but be somewhat amused as I recall all the times that I've cried out to God in anguish because I once again had to bid a friend farewell, or because I felt lonely, when all the while He was just giving me what I had so foolishly asked for.

After more thought, I'm thinking that perhaps..... just maybe.... it was not so much a foolish desire as it was a God-given one? I honestly think that He has wired me to want this, because this is the way that I can best be taught life's lessons. Anyone that knows me well can attest to the fact that I am an incredibly indecisive person who is also not too self-confident.... it is the easy way out for me to work with others and depend on them for anything that I can get away with. Therefore, if any amount of growing is to ever happen in my life, I NEED to do it on my own. I have to be pushed to a place where I have no one but God to turn to.... if He didn't teach me like this, I'd always be standing at the edge of the cliff, wondering if I could fly.

It's really very interesting when revelation smacks you up-side the head and you are able to look at something in your life with a whole new perspective. Yes, it sucks sometimes to not be able to reminisce with a friend and say, "Remember when we discovered this together?", to always have to struggle to recall a story like it was instead of re-visiting experiences and impressions that are shared and incomplete without an unvoiced understanding.......... Yes, it's hard feeling different from other people when all you want to do sometimes is to fit in......... Yes, trail-blazing can be lonely. But you know what? I'm learning to be okay with that. My God crafted me....... the Lord of the universe crafted me. He knows what He's doing, wouldn't you agree? He knows how I learn best; I have to trust Him. I will never be alone, because He won't forsake me.

And hey. It is, afterall, all I ever asked for. :)