shards of something else.

*sigh......* i've been neglecting my poor bloggy.... how many times since my last post have i clicked on the link to shards, and look. and look. i should post? i think to myself. but what would i post about? my mind continuously draws blanks. later then maybe..... later, i promise. and so it goes..... the vicious cycle (ha..... is that how it's spelled? prolly not). i've been wanting to post, honest. (i must justify my non-postage to my non-existent readers.....) i've been wanting to post about how nostalgic i've been feeling, about tasting a chantico for the very first (and the very LAST, i assure you!) time, about an interesting conversation at work, about finding a thesis for next year. but *sigh* i've done none of it. i suppose i can blame it on being busy, but really. does that excuse really hold up anymore? i can't believe so. i waste too much of my time. God gives me enough time and i throw it out the back window. i'd rather sit in front of the boob tube and do nothing...... afterall. it's so much easier to be complacent. i have become a professional time-waster..... all of yesterday i did ZERO work. i woke up late, ate very slowly, did laundry, watched tv, read a book. nevermind that i have school work to do....... *sigh* God, teach me to manage my time better. i'm doing a horrible job.

strange emotions coursing through me lately..... all nostalgic and melancholy for no reason at all. nostalgia..... i've been dying to watch the rocketeer and seaquest DSV. *haha* does anyone remember those? the first is a movie and the second a tv show..... *sigh* how i miss them. thank you so VERY much to (older) tim lee for digging out his old tapes for me! ^-^ the rocketeer will have to wait, i suppose. i dug out my old cassettes and listened to them too. geez, aren't old ppl getting on in their years the ones that are supposed to feel nostalgic? i feel so silly. -_-; and melancholy..... yes, alot of that. i go to church and i question why i'm there. for no reason at all. ever have those days? when clouds just hang over u and u want to be left alone, but u really don't know why. and the part of u that doesn't understand really wants to be with people. but during those times i really am not sociable. so if i look a bit lifeless, just drifting on by, that's why...... it's so strange. i'm not sad, or mad at anything or anyone. but days like this...... it's difficult to be joyful. i still struggle with what true joy is. what makes it different from happiness? of course, i've heard it explained before..... i know what the difference is SUPPOSED to be. but what i know in my head i can't reconcile to my heart or my soul. so does that mean then that i have never felt true joy? that the "joy" i've felt all along has been superficial happiness?? that's a yucky thought. God, teach me what true joy is.

right now i am stuck at church (*sigh*.... such is the life of a 20-year-old that can't drive, i suppose!). i feel like i'm am again wasting my time. but then..... perfect time to post! *lol* and so i have. i HAD planned to go home and bake for valentine's day, but alas..... no ride home. later then, maybe.

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another thing about this senseless melancholy-ness (ha.... making up words here).... it goes as swiftlyas it comes. i spent three minutes with kathryn, and things are as right as rain again. *lol* the human psyche. how strange it is...... and how good it is that God puts things and people in our lives that can so effectively lift out spirits. ^-^